Life Muses by Ro

30 Days to a NEW Life: Single tasking

REPORT: After four months of trying, I've got it! I have finally wrangled the email beast to the ground. Most of the time (I'm going to be honest and not say all of the time), I don't keep my email open and as a result, I'm getting a lot more done. I check it first thing in the morning, around noon, and at the end of the day. If something appears, I don't take care of it unless it is an emergency until I'm ready to take care of it. I shut my email window when I am not actively doing email.

Sometimes, I forget about my goal and I slip off the curb, but I start feeling so tired and hassled in comparison to when I keep the window closed in between response sessions, that I figure out what is wrong fairly quickly and get out of my Inbox. The biggest difference in my work life now that I am not doing email all day long is that I am getting a LOT more done. I am focusing much better.

That leads me to my next 30 day goal which is: Single task - only do ONE thing at a time.

I want to stop flipping back and forth between my project, Facebook, Twitter, the board, etc. I want to work on a project and then, once I am finished with my goal for the day, engage fully in these social media formats or whatever I have planned. This will allow me to concentrate better on what people are saying and I can respond better. My social media posts are more more interesting when I do this, because I'm not merely saying things like, "Going to eat a bagle," I'm being more thoughtful about what I want to tell people.

DO ONE THING AT A TIME.

If you haven't been following this series, you can catch up here.

So tell me... are you guys still working on this or have you forgotten? I have to tell you that working on one goal at a time is making a big difference in my work life. I'm slowly, but surely, changing habits. I'd like to challenge you to try it with me. The reason I am sharing this with you is because the fact that I am reporting what is happening in my blog is motivating me to stick to it.

If you'd like to share what you are doing so that you can be held accountable, let me know!
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I got the idea for this 30 Days challenge from this book.

Life Language: What do you tell yourself?

Quick post: I'm cleaning my files today - getting rid of years of things I don't need. In the process, I stumbled on this image I made years ago for the Scrap Girls newsletter. What good advice I gave myself! I needed to find this today because I have been telling myself these things about some of my large projects. I've noticed that the more I tell myself things things, the harder the projects are becoming.

Answers to prayers come in strange ways. This time, I was inspired to clean out my files. Who would have thought this would happen?

I'm printing this out and am going to put it on my desktop where I can see it. I NEED this thing!!

You realize that when I hand out advice like crazy in the muses (and in my blogs), I'm advising myself, right? I'm sharing my struggles to reform myself because I have the idea that I'm not the only one that feels like I do. I've been fortunate to hear from so many of you over the years that this idea has been validated. It has made me feel stronger, happier, and more optimistic about life to learn that I'm not alone.

So I will tell you... you're not alone, either. While the specifics of what we are going through are the same, the impact is similar. We think and feel similar things. We aren't as odd as we tell ourselves.

You can't imagine how much I enjoy reading your comments to me. Sometimes, it is hard for me to comment back to you, but I am reading them. I'm planning to reward myself later today by visiting the photos you are sharing with me. (I love doing it.)

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Tonya - I love that 30 minute sit-down doing nothing idea. Can I read a book or do nothing at all? I am reading The Real George Washington right now and I'm interested in it. May I beg your permission to do that during my 30 minutes? LOL

Sheril - Taking photos always brightens my day. That's why I do it so much! Glad you enjoyed them.

Shari - I have found that about Fibro. If I don't do anything, I feel worse. I have heard that walking in the morning helps. I'm trying to make myself do that now. (Make myself? Do I ever listen to what I am saying? Okay - I have the opportunity to take a walk in the morning...)

Kristeen - So sorry about the laptop. Hope it gets fixed too. Maybe you can show me photos later.

Kricket - Oh man... So sorry about the diagnosis of Fibro. But it's a relief to know what you have, right? I've had it for about 21 years now so let me know if I can help. I'm happy to talk about my experience with it. I've met a lot of people with Fibro because I have.

Everyone that posted on the B*U posts- I'm excited that you are doing B*U with me! I did something really cool about this week's challenge last night and I'm looking forward to sharing. Can't wait to hear what you are doing.

Sara - That's for remembering me in your prayers. It means so much to me!!

Oh gosh... I need to stop. This post could get a million years long because I am dying to answer every single comment you've been making to me. I don't want to leave anyone out! Just know that your comments are precious to me. I'm serious about visiting your blogs as soon as I can!

Update about my doctor's visit: It looks like the yeast infection has been nuked - unless I have Candida. Praying that I don't. I won't know about that for a few weeks. She gave me some steroid cream to put in the area and it is making me feel tons better. Even though I have a little cold, I have tons more energy today.

Well, back to filing. Have a great day and weekend!

Bachelor's Degree in Me - Part 13

I hated my body.

I hated everything about it. I hated how it looked. I hated my small hands and short, wide feet. I hated my short legs and the roundness of my stomach. I hated the bountiful bosom I inherited from my paternal grandmother. I hated my thick blond hair. I hated my round face and small mouth. I hated my short neck and I really, truly hated my pale white skin.

I hated how my body moved. I hated how slowly I ran. I hated how inflexible my joints were. I hated that I couldn't catch a ball or make a basket or jump high or run a race. I was the last kid picked for every game at recess (for good reason).

I felt betrayed by my body and in return, my body betrayed me. I suffered from years of illness – catching every germ and virus that came along. I had all sorts of strange things happen to my body that made my doctors scratch their heads. I even secretly (in the back recesses of my mind) wished I would just get it over with... that I would come down with some sort of terrible cancer and leave it behind.

This is a level of self-hatred I hope most of you don't experience. But even if you do, it is possible to turn yourself around. My body self-hatred was related to years and years of teasing and criticism by my peers about everything I did. Maybe your self-hatred comes from the influence of the media, or maybe you experienced trauma.

What we all have to accept is, like it or not, you are your body. I remember reading a book while I was in Junior High School, about a woman who was in a terrible car accident. She woke up to find herself in a different body, as she had had a "mind" transplant. I don't know if such a thing would ever be scientifically possible, but at this moment, we don't have any choice in the matter. The package we have is the package we have. I'm never going to be tall. I'm never going to have long delicate fingers or a Twiggy-like figure. It's just not going to happen. I don't care how much positive self-talk I engage in. I am going to be me and you are going to be you.

While we can't change who we are, we can do two things:

1. We can learn to appreciate and accept – even love – what we do have.

2. We can tune up the engine and take care of the chassis so that our particular model runs at peak performance levels.

Here are some activities that can help you learn to appreciate and accept your own body.

1. Mirror, Mirror. Many people consider it a painful experience to look in the mirror. As they gaze at themselves, they find their minds racing with lists of all of their flaws. In this exercise, your task is to look at yourself directly in the mirror and study your body. You are to then find at least ten things about your body that are positive.

• Do you have clear eyes?

• Are your hands strong and do they serve you well?

• Are your feet carrying you well?

• Is your heart doing its job – pumping life throughout your body?

• Do your ears hear all of the beautiful sounds of nature and music?

• Do you have a nice smile?

• Do you have nicely formed eyebrows?

Don't leave anything out. As you make your list, thank the member of your body that is serving well for doing its job.

Once you have completed a positive listing of things about your body that are beautiful and healthy, thank your Creator for giving you a body so you can experience life, love, and joy. Allow yourself to experience the constructive change that accompanies this exercise by practicing this technique regularly until it becomes a habit. You have most likely spent a lot of time in front of a mirror criticizing what you see. Isn't it finally time to give equal voice to the other side of the story?

As you practice this technique, you will find yourself filled with gratitude to God for giving you life. You will find gratitude that you have a body. You will find your spirit and your body finally become one, and the internal war you have engaged in will end.

2. Visualization Practice. As you wake in the morning and before you go to sleep in the evening, allow your mind to get a realistic picture of how you wish your body to look. If you are overweight and you wish to lose some of it, allow yourself to imagine yourself realistically thin.

• Imagine that you can feel your hip bones rubbing against your arm.

• Imagine that you reach behind you to scratch your back and you feel your spine, without the layer of fat currently there.

• Imagine that you can feel your ribs and that your double-chin is gone.

• Imagine your body as strong and healthy. You can feel the strong muscles in your arms and legs.

• Then imagine how grateful you feel that you honored your body enough to become healthier.

Your mind can't tell the difference between what you imagine and what you experience, and by practicing this visualization, you will discover that without even having to force yourself, you will desire to eat healthily and exercise. This practice was the single most important thing I did when I decided to turn my self-image around in my forties. I realized that since I spent most of my life seeing myself as a fat person, the picture I carried in my mind had caught up to me, and I was, indeed, overweight. I had to retrain my mind to accept that I didn't have to be fat. I could be a healthy size, and it didn't have to feel threatening to be such.

Whenever I have "fallen off the wagon" and stopped picturing myself in this positive way, I discover weight slipping back on me. In fact, I am at this very moment, working on reframing my internal picture of myself. I gained weight during the years of sitting in my office chair for extended periods of time – overworking – while we started Scrap Girls. I began to see myself as fat because I gained weight, and the struggle to regain better habits has been difficult. It is only through stepping back and working on my mind first, that I am finally achieving success again.

Our minds are extremely powerful forces. Try the experiment yourself. You may be surprised to learn that if you first retrain your mind, your body will follow.

3. In your collage book, using pictures cut from magazines, create a collage or collages that create a visual image of how you want to feel about your body. Try not to focus exclusively on issues of body size. Include pictures and word strips that create the feeling of acceptance when you look at the collages. How do you want to feel when you look in the mirror? How do you want to feel when you think about your body, its appearance and how it serves you? Create a visual reminder of these feelings. You may want to consider creating several small collages (even on a 3x5 index card) that you can carry with you. Then, when you are tempted to misuse your body or you find yourself engaged in the same old negative thinking patterns, you can pull it out as a reminder of how you wish to feel.

4. Conduct a "Mall Survey." Do you keep score as you walk through life? Do you find yourself constantly looking around you and judging whether people are fatter or thinner than you? Do you secretly feel relieved when you are thinner than someone? Do you allow yourself to beat up on yourself when they are thinner than you?

This is a dangerous game that, I suspect, many people engage in. Not only is it self-destructive because you always manage to keep yourself in the loser's court, it creates an internal separation from other people. How can you possible learn to love people when you are constantly allowing yourself to judge them solely on their appearance?

Let's take a new look at this game and see if we can turn it into something much more productive.

Whenever you find yourself engaging in the judging game, force yourself to open your mind and observe how ordinary most people are. Because of the media's focus on body size and appearance (with thin being in), most people – and I mean most people – don't live up to standard. By the way, whose standard are we measuring up to? And, anyway, what does it matter if we measure up to anyone's standard?

Did you know that the average dress size for a woman is size 14? For size 14 to be average, there must be just as many women above that line as below it. That's the definition of average.

So here we are – buying into the media's perception that the mid-point of the weight bell curve is a size 4. Get real. We know in our heads that this isn't realistic, but our hearts don't seem to get the message. So use the Mall Survey technique to bring some reality to the picture. You may decide to make an outing of going to your favorite mall. Just hang out in an unobtrusive manner and observe. Write down what you see and how it makes you feel. Does it make you take another look at the demands you have been putting on yourself?

5. Surrender to yourself. Did you ever look in the mirror as a youth and wish that you would see a different you looking back? "If I just had a smaller nose like Rachel?" you'd think. "If I just had long curly hair like Pam..."

It starts when we are young. We long to be something other than ourselves. In our society, people are increasingly more consumed with the idea of wanting to look like someone else. Indeed, the plastic surgery industry is booming. But stop a minute and think about this... Would you like someone else better if they looked differently? Would it matter to you if they had a smaller nose or if they suddenly sprouted long, curly hair? While it is true that there are certain prejudices in our society towards some body types (I have read that people with larger faces and smiles do better professionally. What's that all about?), just because a situation is de facto, it doesn't mean that it is right.

What if I told you that research has shown the majority of students cheat in school? Would you say that because it is so, that it is what should be so? Probably not. And yet, even though most people recognize it is wrong to discriminate on the basis of race, religion, sexual preference, etc., we still seem to silently allow this other type of discrimination to occur. What I'm asking you to do right now is to stop it – at least when it concerns you. The beginning point of change for any wrong in society is to begin within your own mind. If you think that prejudice towards race is wrong, then you are obligated to work within your own mind to change your own prejudiced thoughts and reactions. If you think, then, that it is wrong to judge other people simply on the basis of their appearance, then you better start at home and learn to quit judging yourself. Take a long, hard look in the mirror and finally surrender to what you see. You are you. Nothing you think or wish can change you into another person. Improve yourself, if you wish, but first surrender to the beautiful (yes, beautiful) body that is housing that wonderful spirit of yours right now.

6. The Unique You. Take a moment right now to study your hands. What do they say about you? Are your fingers long, narrow and soft from constant applications of lotions? Are you nails polished and gleaming? Or are your hands wide and strong? Is there evidence in the creases of your finger tips that you enjoy working on car engines? Perhaps your hands are cracked and rough – evidence that you work hard to take care of a family. Look at your hands and honor them for the work they do for you. If you are fortunate enough to have both of them and all ten fingers, stop a moment and thank God for blessing you so. Your hands are unique, as are every other member of your body. Take time to study them one by one and see the story they hold about your life. Then honor them, and thank God for allowing you to have them. As you complete this activity, you will find yourself filled with gratitude, and perhaps insights into your self and your life. Write these thoughts of gratitude and insights in your journal so they will be available to re-read during times when you are feeling less charitable towards your body...

"If you aren't good at loving yourself, you will have a difficult time loving anyone, since you'll resent the time and energy you give another person that you aren't even giving to yourself." – Barbara De Angelis

Our lives are full of such mystery and surprise. There is much beauty and wonder in the world to partake of and to enjoy. Our task: To recognize that we are part of the mystery, surprise, beauty and wonder of this world, too.

Bachelor's Degree in Me - Part 12

Forgiving the universe

"What are you so mad about?" Has someone ever said that to you? Do you go through life with proverbial chip on your shoulder? Are you sure nothing will work out well for you? Are you going through life, bracing yourself for the next bad thing to happen?

We've all heard of the "half-full/half-empty" analogy. Some people naturally assume that life is going to work out for them and amazingly, it does. Don't you wish you could be one of them? Maybe you are a natural "half-empty" type. Life's been rough so far and nothing you can see makes you think anything will ever change for you.

Do you know if you are naturally a negative thinker, you can change? You can find peace and acceptance with corresponding feelings of success? Things can work out for you.

How am I so sure about this?

Because, you see, I once deserved the gold medal award for doubting the fairness of life. I was positive that everyone was talking about me behind my back. I was absolutely sure I could never succeed at anything. And I was emphatic about my gut feelings that said I would never have the kind of personal relationships I wanted.

Now, I'm not suggesting I was mentally ill. Nope. I was just a king-pin, top-of-the-heap, first-place, end-of-the-line, negative assumer.

I assumed people wouldn't like me and usually they didn't. Why? Who would want to be around someone who gave off all of that negative energy? People picked up on it and grew tired of it quickly.

I assumed I wouldn't be successful, and usually, I wasn't. Without realizing it, I found ways to escape and blame other things, undermining my possibilities in the process.

My thoughts were creating my reality.

I finally woke up and realized the truth. And when I did, I knew I had to change things. I began working on changing my thought process. The first thing I had to do was forgive myself for what I'd done to myself or I would have been stuck in the negative cycle forever. But then, as I began feeling more positive about myself, I found that I was able to forgive other people and let go of the grudges I had held for years. I simply didn't feel upset anymore.

Finally, I found myself forgiving the universe – perhaps, even God – for the bad things that had just come my way. Okay, so I'm short and slightly round. So what? So I have to wear glasses? It doesn't matter. So I wasn't the popular kid in public school. That's okay, too.

I quit blaming the universe for the misguided assumption that life had sold me short. I realized that what I thought was that challenges should be meted out in a "fair" way and I believed I had received an "unfair" amount of them. As I dropped these assumptions, a miracle began to occur. Suddenly, my eyes were opened to all of the blessings I had received. I saw the beauty of the mountains that surround the valley I live in. I saw the twinkle in my husband's eye as he leaned over to kiss me. I felt joyful that I knew what life was all about. And I began to see – as if in a beautiful vision – that life had more possibilities for me than I previously believed. I began to believe what Oprah once told her viewers, "My constant prayer is to be used for a calling and a greater purpose than I know. If you can align yourself to the greater will (and you have to get quiet to hear), you'll find out what it is. You'll get the clue. The signs and clues are all around you."

I began to be a positive person and things started to happen for me. I began to achieve more success. I made new friends. I saw opportunities. Life began to provide for me and to make sure that I was provided for.

So what do you do about your own negativity? How do you become a more positive person?

Here are some activities that will help:

1. Naming. Make a list of the times when things have gone wrong for you. Perhaps, you didn't get the promotion you deserved. Perhaps, you had a major financial crisis. Perhaps, you lost a valuable friendship.

2. Take Responsibility. Make a corresponding list for each item, naming all the actions you took that helped create this particular outcome. You are looking for patterns to emerge. You are trying to discover if you, without realizing it, are creating a life of chaos. It has been said that we can become addicted to chaos. We feel sorry for ourselves and want other people to feel sorry for us, too. We become uncomfortable when things start to go right for us because positive outcomes disprove the notion we have that we deserve pity. "Poor me," we think.

   Look honestly at yourself. Are you in that place? I discovered that I was there. I fell into it naturally because, truthfully, a lot of really bad things had happened to me. People actually would say, "Oh, you poor thing. I don't know how you have stood it." Without even realizing it, I became addicted to this mode of interaction. And just like any other type of addiction, it took hard work to overcome. But it was definitely worth it!

3. What if? Take another pass through your list. For each item, make a corresponding list of alternative actions you could have taken in each instance. Perhaps you could have gone for a walk to blow off steam instead of losing your temper in front of your boss. Perhaps you could have talked to a credit counselor instead of filing bankruptcy. Perhaps you could have asked for help when you found yourself in trouble instead of pretending that it wasn't happening to you.

4. What have you been telling yourself? This activity may prove to be the most difficult, particularly if you tend to be a negative thinker. For each item on your list, write down the types of things you were thinking at the time. For instance, if you were having financial problems, perhaps you were thinking, "Nothing ever goes right for me. I don't have enough money. If I just had more money, everything would be okay. I'm always going to be poor." Dig down deep and find the true language of self.

5. Retrain. Once you have discovered your thinking patterns, write a corresponding realistic or positive answer you could have thought for each item. For instance, in the example above, perhaps you could have said to yourself, "I've spent too much money and now I'm paying the consequence. This is hard, but I've been through hard times before and I can get through this. I can ask for help and find out what is the best thing to do about this situation. I can learn from my mistakes so that I won't do this again. I am strong enough to repair this damage. This is just temporary. I can make better financial decisions in the future."

6. Life is a school. Repeat that thought out loud ten times. "Life is a school. Life is a school. Life is a school..." Learn it. Believe it. Surrender to the thought. We are here to learn and to grow. Life wasn't intended to be a vacation where we go to a resort, lounge on the beach, be attended to by people scurrying around bringing us anything that appeals to us. This is one of the basic laws of the universe, and yet, we get offended when life doesn't deliver everything we want wrapped up in gold paper with a red velvet bow on top. We want what we want and we want it now! No wonder so many of us feel like the universe has let us down.

   But if you can allow your mind to shift slightly and, instead, think of life as a school, you become open to what life brings you. Hard things don't seem quite as hard because we expect to go through hard times when we are in school. Research takes work. Writing papers for class takes work. Getting yourself up in the morning and arriving on time to listen to the instructor takes work. We pay for the privilege of attending schools so that we can be worked hard. Why? Because we want to learn. So guess what? Life is just like that. Accept it and you will find you can appreciate your experiences because they are bringing new knowledge and wisdom to you.

7. Be grateful for your learning opportunities. As you pray, allow yourself to thank God for the learning opportunities you have had. As you look back on your life, you will realize it is the times you have written about in this section that have most likely brought the most learning and personal growth to you. Would you want to go back and be the person you were? Would you like to lose the wisdom you have acquired? No. So be grateful for those things, and say that you are grateful out loud. I believe that God hears our prayers of gratitude and as we express them, he sends us blessings. Gratitude is a key element to being able to release the pain we feel and to forgive.

"His heart was as great as the world, but there was no room in it to hold the memory of a wrong."
– Emerson

Forgiveness of self, others, and the universe are key components of personal growth. Without them, we are chained to the past and unable to soar to the future where we may acquire the full blessings that God has in store for His children. We feel anxious, angry, hurt, burdened, and generally miserable. We talk about the cause of our distress. We tell everyone who will listen to us about why we are justified to feel as we do. We think about the pain we feel until it consumes us. If we are unwilling to let it go, we end up bitter and wretched.

How much better to lay this burden down and walk forward through the rest of our life, unfettered and free to experience joy?

The task of forgiveness is not an easy one. If it were easy, growth wouldn't occur and blessings wouldn't flow when it is accomplished. But it is possible. In fact, it is not only possible, it is achievable. If we lean on the One from which forgiveness flows, we will discover that our hearts will fall open and the love of Christ will replace the pain and fill the space which had formerly been filled with misery.

At this point, you may be thinking that I may never have experienced anything in my life that is of such great magnitude that it would require great amounts of forgiveness. However, if you assume this, you are in error. There are some things that even I, who largely spills out my life to the public, have chosen to keep private. I will simply say there are things that have occurred which have required great forgiveness of self, others, and "the universe" for sending me challenges so great I thought I might buckle under them.

It was the mercy of my God and His strength, helping rid my soul of the enmity towards those great hurts of all kind, that have brought me this peace you may feel as I write to you in my muses. I am grateful for His help and would urge any of you who are reading this essay to work towards the goal of forgiving self, others, and life. If you do, you will eventually come to a well of peace so deep, you will drink and be filled with stillness.

Bachelor's Degree in Me - Part 11

Every once in a while, we hear a story of a person who has risen above normal human behavior by showing forgiveness to someone who has hurt them in the most tremendous, horrific manner. On July 19, 2001, ABC's 20/20 covered the compelling story of Marietta Jaeger Lane. Marietta's daughter, Susie, was kidnapped while the family was on a camping trip in Three Forks, Montana. Initially, Marietta felt hatred and vengefulness towards the man who had stolen her daughter from her.

But eventually, she reached a life-altering decision; Marietta decided to forgive the kidnapper. She stated, "I knew that hatred wasn't healthy, that it would obsess and consume me. Were I to give in to that kind of mindset, it would be my undoing. It's not to say that it was an easy realization because I felt absolutely justified. I had every right to feel how I did."

Marietta decided not only to forgive the man, but to make an effort to think positive thoughts for him and pray for his welfare. And then, a surprising thing happened. One year following Susie's disappearance, Marietta received a phone call from the kidnapper. The call led to his arrest and the discovery that her daughter was dead.

Marietta then reached out to the kidnapper's mother. In the interview, Marietta told the reporter, "Together we were able to grieve as mothers who had lost their children. I hoped that it would help her to know that I had forgiven him."

Now Marietta works with people throughout the country, teaching them about forgiveness. Of her work she says, "Those victims who will not relinquish a vindictive mindset end up giving the offender another victim – themselves."

Most of us never have to flex our forgiveness muscles in such extreme circumstances, but we admire people like Marietta and tell each other the stories of their achievement. And they are heroes, for heroes are people who do something admirable or live in such a way that they light a path for the rest of us. Why do we admire these forgiving people so much? It is because there is a light inside each of us that speaks to our hearts, telling us to forgive. God means for us to forgive each other because not only do we live more peacefully together when we are forgiving, we feel peace in our souls.

The true danger in holding onto spite and anger when we are hurt is the ugly cancer that grows in our hearts, snuffing out the tender feelings placed there by our Creator. As this cancer grows throughout the years, and as we allow additional angry feelings to feed it, we become past feeling. We have a chip on our shoulder. We feel sure that people are out to get us. We feel that life, our circumstances, and even the universe is against us. We are spiritually ill, dying from this cancer, and needing the Great Physician to heal us.

Christians believe it is Jesus Christ who can heal us of this illness. Other religions offer different thoughts about this subject but all seem to be united in this one thought; we must rise higher than our natural state and allow ourselves to forgive those who hurt us.

Did you notice I said "allow ourselves?" I say this because forgiving others is a choice we make. Holding onto the hurt and the angry feelings is also a choice. This is what Marietta understood and this is what allowed her to arrive at a place of forgiveness.

Perhaps you are saying, "It just isn't that easy. I can't just decide to forgive and then have it occur." True, there is work to be done; however, making the choice to forgive is the first step.

Before we move to the next part of our discussion, I must state something very clearly. Forgiving does not necessarily mean you have to forget. Sometimes, we have been hurt in such terrible ways (such as being abused by someone) that forgetting would not only be extremely difficult to do, but perhaps even unwise. When we speak of forgiving, we are speaking of letting go of the hurt feelings, but not necessarily the memory of what happened to us. Occasionally, we have to make a choice to "get out of harm's way" and discontinue the relationship that has injured us. But even in these extreme situations, it is better for our own soul to forgive. Here are some activities you can do that will help you work through your hurt feelings to arrive at a place of forgiveness:

1. Make a list of incidences in your life that you are having a difficult time forgetting. You will recognize these incidences because recalling them creates strong physical reactions in your body. Perhaps you feel a tightening in your chest. Perhaps the memory of the incident easily brings tears to your eyes. Perhaps you find yourself unwilling to think about them and you adopt escapism behavior, such as becoming unnecessarily busy with non-essential tasks. Perhaps you exhibit self-destructive behavior, such as overeating, when you remember these incidences.

2. Now, using the list you have created with activity number one, make a corresponding list of people who hurt you in these incidences. Make a complete list. Go completely through your memory and find everyone with whom you have "unfinished business."

3. Pick one individual from your list to work with. Perhaps it would be best if you selected someone who caused you the least amount of pain, but do as your heart tells you in this regard. Sometimes, when we work on the biggest hurts of our lives, we discover that once we have released the hurt and anger, all of the little hurts we are carrying with us suddenly don't seem important and we are able to easily move past them. Sometimes working on the small hurts causes the large hurts to fall apart on their own.

4. Decide what level of conversation with the person you need to take:

   • One-on-one. For this level of conversation, you sit down with the individual and talk to them about what has happened between you and how you feel about it. If you choose this option, you will find the discussion goes a little better if you focus on what happened and how you personally feel about it rather than attacking them and saying things such as "you should have..." If you approach this conversation with an open mind, you may find out extremely surprising things that completely alter the reality of what you believed occurred.

   • One-in-Mind. For this level of conversation, you visualize the conversation you would have with the individual who hurt you. Imagine the circumstances, what you would say and what you wish they would say back to you in an ideal conversation. Since your mind can't tell the difference between a real conversation and an imagined conversation, this approach can be nearly as effective in releasing you from the feelings you are experiencing as a one-on-one meeting. However, this approach can do nothing for mending relationships like the One-on-One approach can if all goes well.

   • One-in-Word. To speak to someone using the One-in-Word approach, you write a series of letters to the individual. This method is described in detail in John Gray's book, "How to Get What You Want and Want What You Have."

     • Write a letter to the individual describing what happened and how it made you feel. Tell the individual what you wanted to happen at the time of the incident and what you want to happen how.
     • Write a letter to yourself from the individual. Write this letter as if you were receiving the perfect letter of healing from them. What would you love to hear them say to you? Write it in this letter. What kind of promises would you like them to make to you? Write it all down.
     • Write a letter of understanding to the individual who hurt you. Tell them you now understand what happened. Tell them you release the incident and them (if necessary) from your life. Wish them well. Tell them you are happy they have asked for forgiveness and that you are willing to forgive them. If this still seems hard to say, even in letters no one will ever see but you, tell them you understand that by holding onto the pain, you are allowing them to continue hurting you; and so you are choosing to release them and this incident from your life.

   If you still haven't found peace after writing these letters, periodically rewrite the series. Do it until you are able to write freely in the third letter that you forgive them. You will be amazed at how relieved, how light, and how peaceful the experience makes you feel.

5. Test your memory. Occasionally, when we are feeling a lot of anger towards someone over a situation, by making ourselves look objectively at the experience, we discover that it didn't quite occur the way we remember. Often, we discover we were largely to blame for what happened. Instead of being able to admit our responsibility to ourselves, we do what's easiest: we blame someone else.

   Write down what happened, step-by-step, and ask yourself as you go along, "Did I do anything that could have escalated the misunderstanding?" It is very important to be able to admit what you do wrong. *Note: I am not suggesting that someone who was abused in any way did something that would lead to them become a victim of abuse. However, in most other kinds of human interactions that lead to misunderstanding and hurt, both parties have done something to contribute to the bad outcome.

6. Quit being a player. There is a very well known game called the "Blame Game." Almost every single person on the planet is engaged in this game and we all know the rules. Point to the other guy and say, "He did it." The winner of the game is the individual who is best at avoiding any kind of responsibility for their actions.

   Here are some well known rounds:

   • If you are an abuser, you aren't to blame because someone abused you first.
   • If you are a thief, it's okay because you were raised in poverty.
   • If you murder your husband, you were justified because he beat you for years.
   • If you are late for work, it's because the idiots on the freeway got in your way.
   • If you cheat on your taxes, it's fine because there are cheats running the government anyway.

   Recognize any of these rounds? Are you a player? The simple truth is this: We are and should be accountable for our actions. We tell our children, "If your brother did something wrong, it doesn't excuse you for doing it, too." We try to teach them this principle, and yet they see us tell the guy on the phone that their dad isn't home when he is out in the backyard. We tell our children we are too busy to talk to them when we just want to read the newspaper and relax. We live a double-standard. They know it and so they reject what we teach them. I'm challenging you (and myself) to quit playing the blame game. Live with integrity. Take responsibility. And then forgive yourself, learn from your mistake and resolve never to do it again. Your heart and soul will be fed when you forgive others when they act like human beings and mess up.

7. Affirmations of forgiveness. Take a page out of Marietta's book. When your heart is filled with anger towards someone, take a moment each morning and night to allow yourself to think positive thoughts about the person. Wish them well. Think, "I hope you are finding your way to peace… I hope you find love… I wish you well as you go about your business today." Christ taught that we should bless and pray for people who "despitefully use us." If someone takes your coat, give them your cloak, too. If someone wants you to walk a mile with them, walk two miles with them. I believe when you give kindness back to people – even when they don't deserve it – God (or the universe, if you prefer to think of it that way) responds and you are blessed for it.

Emerson said, "His heart was as great as the world, but there was no room in it to hold the memory of a wrong."

Marietta Jaeger Lane has a great heart – as great as the world. She inspires me to be better than I am. Wouldn't the world be a better place if there were more Marietta's among us?